How To: Fix You

I used to be fat. Some people know this about me and others don't... it's not something that I make sure everyone knows when they first meet me... it just seems so far in the past now that I don't really think about it. And when I say I used to be fat I don't mean that I had five or ten extra pounds, I had about sixty. I went from around 215 lbs my junior year of high school to 155 by December of my senior year. I always get the questions how and why... and to be honest the why was just to be healthier and the how... well I took it one day at a time. 

That one day at a time mantra has stuck with me in its power and capability. I know now that when something needs a changin' in my life I can start with small steps daily to meet my goal. It's a simple concept really. You don't train for a marathon a week prior to its start and you can't save for a new car a month before you want to buy it. All things take time and daily steps to see results come to fruition. You want to lose that ten pounds? Set a goal and then plan small steps to achieve it. You want that college degree? Plan a course load that will help you to meet your goals. You want to be a better person? Write yourself reminders to do or not do things so you can see change in yourself. 

How do we fix ourselves?

We set a goal and then make small steps to meet it. It's crazy simple but difficult to stick with. But there's magic in the daily steps. It's a magic that can change yourself, your life, and the world. 

How To: Skin A Cat

Growing up in somewhat rural Ohio you come to learn a lot of colloquial phrases and words. "Crick (as in creek), boosh (as in bush), warsh (as in wash), where's it at (as in where is it), etc. etc. You get the point. One phrase I love that I've heard growing up, though it may not be as colloquial as I once thought, is "There's more than one way to skin a cat." Admittedly, I like it for its inappropriateness, not it's meaning. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hold meaning for me.

I've come to learn through my high school, college, and military experience that there's always more one way to skin the cat. That is, there are many paths to the same destination. I don't know why people don't just use that turn of phrase, it's much more inspirational and doesn't invoke the thought of pre-cooked Chinese food. It's often the journey we relish in anyway, not the final destination, so I guess in life it makes more sense to have more paths and fewer destinations.

But how do you skin the cat?

Well in the military we have a phrase for it, but in keeping in line with the original ground rules I shan't write it because it would invoke some awful curse words. Instead, let's just say that you fiddle faddle around until you find something that works... and then refine your process along the way. Everyone's fiddling may not be the same but their faddles usually match up.

My point is this... and I'm feeling rather bold with this so bear with me for this me-centric point... each gay comes out in his or her own way. While I love to give advice and share my story, each of you out there seeking advice has to find your own path. Yes mine had shouts, tears, hugs, and eventually acceptance, but it took time to get there. It took me trying something new when something old failed time and time again. The way I skinned my cat is going to be different from the way you'll skin yours. If you're trying to get to where you want to be and are currently losing in the battle you're fighting the only way to win is to change your tactics. Wow. I'm fairly sure there were a few analogies smashed together there, but I think you get the point. You have to change things if you want them to change. You've got to try skinning the cat a different way.

So to those silent readers, to the ones that comment, and the ones that message me privately; try skinning your cat, ask for advice, but ultimately do it your way. You'll be fine. It's scary, but you'll be just fine.

How To: Find Love

As a preface, this post is for someone, so bear with the high sap-factor. 

As children we learn from our parents, elders, siblings, friends, and it seems like just about anyone how to love. We see it in romantic comedies, we hear about it in folklore, and we're told that "true love" exists, you just have to keep looking to find it. Loving is so ingrained into our minds that many of us feel incomplete without it being loved or having someone to love. Those people are the ones that are "in love with being in a relationship" and not necessarily their partner, spouse, etc. Love, it seems, is akin to dying and paying taxes... they're all things we must do. 

But this concept of love is... well... false. It's quite clear that from day one we're taught that love comes from someone else. That personal validation and self worth only comes from another and not from within. I submit to you that this is not false but also nonsensical. As the great Ru Paul puts it "If you don't love yourself how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" You can choose to not like her, but the drag diva gets it. She knows that before you can express love to someone else you have to love yourself... and that street runs both ways. You can't expect someone else to love you if you don't even love you. Did you have your epiphany yet? I'll say it again. You can't love someone or expect someone to love you until you love yourself. That's step one. That's your starting block.

But how do you find love? Where do you find love?

The easy answer is that you don't. I don't mean this in a dark or brooding way, but you can't go looking for love. I believe that once you love yourself, love finds you. It sneaks up on you in the aisle of a grocery store, at a swanky dive bar, or in an online chat room. It just appears to you, seemingly out of nowhere. I honestly - down to the core- believe that love isn't something you can force. It's something that finds you and that you and your love build together.  

So you ask, "how do you know this, how you can you believe this to be so fundamentally true?" Your answer: because I'm living it. I'm lucky enough to have found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wasn't looking for love when we met, and in fact it was quite the opposite. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and being with someone other than a fling was the last thing on my mind. But just as we think we know we know what we want the universe throws a wrench in our plans, Murphy's law takes over and we're at the mercy of "what is simply meant to be." We met while at a military training installation, our first encounter was at the gym and our first "date" was at a less than clean Chinese restaurant. I had no expectations and yet, after that first goodbye I knew that there was something more to this than I previously thought or could have ever imagined. Every date thereafter, every late night reconnaissance mission for slushies, every moment in the car or at the schoolhouse was just... right. It's very clear to me now that our love and appreciation of ourselves, or understanding of our own being is not only what set us to love, but also what set us up to be loved and fall in love with one another. Even though we're separated by seven thousand miles, an ocean, and countless countries, we're still in love. Our love breaks the barrier of space (and I'd like to believe time since technically I live in the future). We found love because we loved ourselves. We found love because we didn't need to love someone else. We'll keep loving because we were brought together by fate and will stick together because of love and dedication. 

To that special someone I'd like to simply say "I love you. Always and forever." 

I hope that you, the reader can love yourself so that you can, in turn, be loved and love someone else. It's step one that's the hardest. Every step thereafter will find you. 

How To: Have A Good Time

So this lovely little blog post is coming to you not only all the way from Korea, but all the way from Seoul! I'm here visiting a friend and to put it simply, have had the best weekend I've had yet here in Korea. It really has been a "good time." I think the key to the success of the weekend was in saying yes and being open to new ideas. I was a tad apprehensive to travel to Seoul alone, especially since it was the first time that I left Daegu (on non-military transportation) since I came here three months ago, but I ended up deciding to come up despite my hesitation. I met up with my new on-peninsula best friend and from the moment I got off of the KTX (fast train) I knew it was the right decision to come up. I had a BLAST the entire time and really had a mixed bag of experiences. From buying a new mac (which is where I bring this post to you from) to eating a spicy and delectable authentic Korean dinner to walking all over the place to being aloof at the bars and the "hill" -- basically, we utilized every hour and really made the most of the time we had to hang out. I made a handful of new friends, tried something new, and really fell in love with the city. I used to say that I semi-hated Korea, mostly because of the isolation, but now I can say that hate is the last word I'd use to describe this place. I still have a lot of animosity towards Daegu, mostly because it's not as great as Seoul, but I'll make a note to try new things more often... after all, a lot of good came from it.

So how do you have a good time?


There's a plethora of ways to do it, but the easy answer is to just be open to new experiences and take chances. I hope the rest of you had a fun weekend out there in the great wide world, and if you didn't just remember that life is what you make it, so make it a production. ;)

How To: Play the Devil's Advocate

We've all heard the expression "playing the devil's advocate." We all know who that person is in our lives and on some level we resent them and yet still appreciate their ability to challenge our viewpoints and make us think. I know that for most of my friends I'm that guy. The douche canoe who will, despite personal beliefs, almost always argue or propose the opposite point of view in a conversation. I know it can be annoying, but I want the world to know that I don't just do it to my friends. I do it to myself. Yes, that's right, somewhere tucked in a dark corner of my mind is that jerk face who just loves to argue the opposite point. I hate him almost as much as my friends do, but despite that hate I appreciate that he's there. It's like having my own personal (harsher than need be) therapist to tell me to suck it up, grab my bootstraps, and drive on.

But how do you do it, how do you argue against what you believe or challenge your own beliefs?

This answer isn't what I would call "clear." I think of every situation as a coin, that is, it's two sided (or sometimes more than two sided). Life exists in duality; to every yin, a yang; to every negative, a positive; and every peanut butter, a jelly. As much as it pains me to do it I always make an effort to look at the other side of the house before acting or speaking up. I can feel with the strongest conviction a belief but still see and value the other side of things... which isn't always a "good" thing. The problem with this is that it's possible to have conviction in the wrong thing, know it's wrong, and maintain that conviction. Playing the devil's advocate is just the starting block, it's what you do after you challenge yourself or others that matters. Do you analyze both sides and then do nothing? Do you tell your friend to see the other side and then never revisit the issue? If that's the case then you're arguing from argument's sake and not really being productive with your ability to play the devil's advocate. The right thing to do is to propose that opposite point of view and then re-analyze the position.

I'm very lucky to be able to do this for myself, but someone who does this better than I is my mother. She's always able to be the plus to my minus, the light to my dark, and so on. She's got this crazy ability to tell someone they're wrong, explain the whole situation from all sides, and then (in a way) change that person's point of view. I guess I've picked some of this up from her over the years and I'm thankful to have been exposed to and to (in my own way) share her gift. So if you want to know more, well don't ask me, tell it to my momma (but don't call her "momma," she hates that). 

How To: Find Your Song

If you know me at all you know that music drives almost everything I do. You might also know that I really don't have a favorite band or song. I love music so much that for me to choose would be like asking the octomom to pick her favorite out of her litter... okay... it may not be that extreme but it is difficult.

So how do you find your song?

Let the music speak to you. Listen to the flow, the rhythm, the... everything. You have to feel the music and find a song that screams out to you. It will fill an insatiable thirst and yet you'll never be able to hear enough of it, that is, until you find the next song. So today's entry is about finding the music... and today's song is "Lights (Bassnectar Remix)" by Ellie Goulding. It's such a great song with a great beat and feel. Right now it's my pump me up song for running. It makes me want to take longer strides and push harder. That is why I love music so much, it makes me feel.

How To: Reach Out and Stretch

We've all done it. We've all had a big yawn and bigger stretch, an outward push of the arms, an arch of the back, it all feels so good. We break the comfort of our bed and comforter, couch and favorite blanket... all to stretch beyond what we know as a comfortable place. It feels so natural, so unmistakably good that we don't question it -- but we really should. 

What is it about breaking the comfort of now that makes stretching feel so good?

Because it allows us to become greater than the moment that we're in. That's why it feels so fulfilling. So here's the fast and nasty lesson of the day: stretching out of our comfort zone, no matter how comfortable it may feel at the moment, always makes us feel a little bit better and seem a little bit brighter. It's that reach out of the comforter that allows you to plant that first foot on the floor and it's the first conversation with that intimidating mentor that leads to a successful career. The stretch in the moment is the leap that projects us forward.