How To: Ride the Train

This isn't so much a philosophical entry as it is more of an actual bit of advice, so with that said, here it goes...

How do you ride the train? 

For the sake of time I'll throw the answer into a list, not a narrative, so it's easier to read...

1. Pack appropriately. Don't just consider the weather when you're packing your bags, keep in mind your mode of travel, where you can store your luggage while traveling, and how feasible it is to carry it around with you. Chances are you're not going to want to lug around a suitcase through the city, so pack light and smart in a bag that you wouldn't mind walking around with for a mile or two. Personally I prefer a hiking-type backpack or small duffel bag. 

2. Buy the cheaper stand up ticket if it's available. There's usually an extra seat or a "flip down" you can sneak into. If not, you've always got luggage holders on trains where you can sit and other random little places that others usually don't think of. Save the money and do the stand up.

3. Make sure you are all on time. We like to think that the train, bus, plain, etc will wait for us, but in reality it won't. You buy your ticket in advance which means you've already paid and the driver could probably care less if you're on the train or not because his company already has your money. Give yourself plenty of time to get to your mode of transportation so you're not stuck buying multiple tickets. 

4. Sleep when you can if traveling late, but don't forget to set an alarm or have a buddy wake you up. Unless you're traveling to the final destination of the train you're going to have to get off before the end of the line. So relax and sleep but just make sure that you've got a way to be woken up so you don't miss your turn to get off. 

5. You never know who you're going to run into or meet while traveling, so make sure you're dressed appropriately and comfortably. Your favorite dingy sweats and crocs probably aren't your best bet to be wearing while traveling. What if you bump into your boss, your worst enemy, or even an ex? What ind of image does that send about you? Make sure to take a little personal pride in your appearance while traveling. You'll find that you will almost feel refreshed when getting to your destination rather than feeling exhausted. 

How To: Be Transparent

GI Joe said it, many wise men believe it, and I repeat it. "Knowing is half the battle." In life we always want to be in the know. We constantly seek out a flow of information. From asking your partner "what are you thinking" to going online to CNN for news, we're constantly seeking out information as validation to our lives. We want to have visibility of as much as possible. When someone says "we need to talk" or something of the sort we immediately want to know what about. We're a knowledge driven species. We always want to know more.

A large part of knowledge is understanding. I could read every manual on quantum physics in dual universes but just because I've been exposed to it doesn't mean I know it. There has to be comprehension and understanding for knowledge to exist.

So what's my point, what does this have to deal with being transparent? Well, the point is for others to know you, to understand you, you have no other choice than to be transparent. Politicians are afraid to do it, lovers refuse, and friends usually choose not to. But being transparent is the easiest hard thing you'll ever do. You just become an open book without limits. You talk about everything, you expose yourself completely, and you allow others to know you... once you've done this, once you've become visible from all angles, transparent, then others will understand.

But how do you become transparent?


You open up. Whether you're trying to get your point across to a group of peers or trying to express your love to someone you just have to open up. Lay your thoughts, feelings, your everything on the table for them to see. You can't make judgements for them, you can't anticipate what others will think. The only way to be transparent is to bare it all and let everyone see what you're thinking and who you are. You'll find that others will respect you for being so open and able to communicate your intentions, emotions, and thought process. It's not the easiest thing to do, but once you begin the journey of transparency you'll never want to live any other way.

An added bonus to being so open is that you'll find that you won't have any skeletons in your closet. If you're truly open then others will know all of the dimensions of who you are, not just the good. No one can harm you when you talk about and admit your own faults, failures, and disappointments. And what's better is that once you are so open you won't want to have faults, failures, or disappointments and you'll shy away from these things because of the image you want to portray of yourself.

To get others to understand you... you have to be open, you have to communicate, and you have to be (in a sense) vulnerable. Transparency is a great life concept, try be a little more "see through" with your life and see how it works, I bet you're going to like how it feels.

How To: Fix You

I used to be fat. Some people know this about me and others don't... it's not something that I make sure everyone knows when they first meet me... it just seems so far in the past now that I don't really think about it. And when I say I used to be fat I don't mean that I had five or ten extra pounds, I had about sixty. I went from around 215 lbs my junior year of high school to 155 by December of my senior year. I always get the questions how and why... and to be honest the why was just to be healthier and the how... well I took it one day at a time. 

That one day at a time mantra has stuck with me in its power and capability. I know now that when something needs a changin' in my life I can start with small steps daily to meet my goal. It's a simple concept really. You don't train for a marathon a week prior to its start and you can't save for a new car a month before you want to buy it. All things take time and daily steps to see results come to fruition. You want to lose that ten pounds? Set a goal and then plan small steps to achieve it. You want that college degree? Plan a course load that will help you to meet your goals. You want to be a better person? Write yourself reminders to do or not do things so you can see change in yourself. 

How do we fix ourselves?

We set a goal and then make small steps to meet it. It's crazy simple but difficult to stick with. But there's magic in the daily steps. It's a magic that can change yourself, your life, and the world. 

How To: Skin A Cat

Growing up in somewhat rural Ohio you come to learn a lot of colloquial phrases and words. "Crick (as in creek), boosh (as in bush), warsh (as in wash), where's it at (as in where is it), etc. etc. You get the point. One phrase I love that I've heard growing up, though it may not be as colloquial as I once thought, is "There's more than one way to skin a cat." Admittedly, I like it for its inappropriateness, not it's meaning. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hold meaning for me.

I've come to learn through my high school, college, and military experience that there's always more one way to skin the cat. That is, there are many paths to the same destination. I don't know why people don't just use that turn of phrase, it's much more inspirational and doesn't invoke the thought of pre-cooked Chinese food. It's often the journey we relish in anyway, not the final destination, so I guess in life it makes more sense to have more paths and fewer destinations.

But how do you skin the cat?

Well in the military we have a phrase for it, but in keeping in line with the original ground rules I shan't write it because it would invoke some awful curse words. Instead, let's just say that you fiddle faddle around until you find something that works... and then refine your process along the way. Everyone's fiddling may not be the same but their faddles usually match up.

My point is this... and I'm feeling rather bold with this so bear with me for this me-centric point... each gay comes out in his or her own way. While I love to give advice and share my story, each of you out there seeking advice has to find your own path. Yes mine had shouts, tears, hugs, and eventually acceptance, but it took time to get there. It took me trying something new when something old failed time and time again. The way I skinned my cat is going to be different from the way you'll skin yours. If you're trying to get to where you want to be and are currently losing in the battle you're fighting the only way to win is to change your tactics. Wow. I'm fairly sure there were a few analogies smashed together there, but I think you get the point. You have to change things if you want them to change. You've got to try skinning the cat a different way.

So to those silent readers, to the ones that comment, and the ones that message me privately; try skinning your cat, ask for advice, but ultimately do it your way. You'll be fine. It's scary, but you'll be just fine.

How To: Find Love

As a preface, this post is for someone, so bear with the high sap-factor. 

As children we learn from our parents, elders, siblings, friends, and it seems like just about anyone how to love. We see it in romantic comedies, we hear about it in folklore, and we're told that "true love" exists, you just have to keep looking to find it. Loving is so ingrained into our minds that many of us feel incomplete without it being loved or having someone to love. Those people are the ones that are "in love with being in a relationship" and not necessarily their partner, spouse, etc. Love, it seems, is akin to dying and paying taxes... they're all things we must do. 

But this concept of love is... well... false. It's quite clear that from day one we're taught that love comes from someone else. That personal validation and self worth only comes from another and not from within. I submit to you that this is not false but also nonsensical. As the great Ru Paul puts it "If you don't love yourself how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" You can choose to not like her, but the drag diva gets it. She knows that before you can express love to someone else you have to love yourself... and that street runs both ways. You can't expect someone else to love you if you don't even love you. Did you have your epiphany yet? I'll say it again. You can't love someone or expect someone to love you until you love yourself. That's step one. That's your starting block.

But how do you find love? Where do you find love?

The easy answer is that you don't. I don't mean this in a dark or brooding way, but you can't go looking for love. I believe that once you love yourself, love finds you. It sneaks up on you in the aisle of a grocery store, at a swanky dive bar, or in an online chat room. It just appears to you, seemingly out of nowhere. I honestly - down to the core- believe that love isn't something you can force. It's something that finds you and that you and your love build together.  

So you ask, "how do you know this, how you can you believe this to be so fundamentally true?" Your answer: because I'm living it. I'm lucky enough to have found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wasn't looking for love when we met, and in fact it was quite the opposite. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and being with someone other than a fling was the last thing on my mind. But just as we think we know we know what we want the universe throws a wrench in our plans, Murphy's law takes over and we're at the mercy of "what is simply meant to be." We met while at a military training installation, our first encounter was at the gym and our first "date" was at a less than clean Chinese restaurant. I had no expectations and yet, after that first goodbye I knew that there was something more to this than I previously thought or could have ever imagined. Every date thereafter, every late night reconnaissance mission for slushies, every moment in the car or at the schoolhouse was just... right. It's very clear to me now that our love and appreciation of ourselves, or understanding of our own being is not only what set us to love, but also what set us up to be loved and fall in love with one another. Even though we're separated by seven thousand miles, an ocean, and countless countries, we're still in love. Our love breaks the barrier of space (and I'd like to believe time since technically I live in the future). We found love because we loved ourselves. We found love because we didn't need to love someone else. We'll keep loving because we were brought together by fate and will stick together because of love and dedication. 

To that special someone I'd like to simply say "I love you. Always and forever." 

I hope that you, the reader can love yourself so that you can, in turn, be loved and love someone else. It's step one that's the hardest. Every step thereafter will find you. 

How To: Have A Good Time

So this lovely little blog post is coming to you not only all the way from Korea, but all the way from Seoul! I'm here visiting a friend and to put it simply, have had the best weekend I've had yet here in Korea. It really has been a "good time." I think the key to the success of the weekend was in saying yes and being open to new ideas. I was a tad apprehensive to travel to Seoul alone, especially since it was the first time that I left Daegu (on non-military transportation) since I came here three months ago, but I ended up deciding to come up despite my hesitation. I met up with my new on-peninsula best friend and from the moment I got off of the KTX (fast train) I knew it was the right decision to come up. I had a BLAST the entire time and really had a mixed bag of experiences. From buying a new mac (which is where I bring this post to you from) to eating a spicy and delectable authentic Korean dinner to walking all over the place to being aloof at the bars and the "hill" -- basically, we utilized every hour and really made the most of the time we had to hang out. I made a handful of new friends, tried something new, and really fell in love with the city. I used to say that I semi-hated Korea, mostly because of the isolation, but now I can say that hate is the last word I'd use to describe this place. I still have a lot of animosity towards Daegu, mostly because it's not as great as Seoul, but I'll make a note to try new things more often... after all, a lot of good came from it.

So how do you have a good time?


There's a plethora of ways to do it, but the easy answer is to just be open to new experiences and take chances. I hope the rest of you had a fun weekend out there in the great wide world, and if you didn't just remember that life is what you make it, so make it a production. ;)

How To: Play the Devil's Advocate

We've all heard the expression "playing the devil's advocate." We all know who that person is in our lives and on some level we resent them and yet still appreciate their ability to challenge our viewpoints and make us think. I know that for most of my friends I'm that guy. The douche canoe who will, despite personal beliefs, almost always argue or propose the opposite point of view in a conversation. I know it can be annoying, but I want the world to know that I don't just do it to my friends. I do it to myself. Yes, that's right, somewhere tucked in a dark corner of my mind is that jerk face who just loves to argue the opposite point. I hate him almost as much as my friends do, but despite that hate I appreciate that he's there. It's like having my own personal (harsher than need be) therapist to tell me to suck it up, grab my bootstraps, and drive on.

But how do you do it, how do you argue against what you believe or challenge your own beliefs?

This answer isn't what I would call "clear." I think of every situation as a coin, that is, it's two sided (or sometimes more than two sided). Life exists in duality; to every yin, a yang; to every negative, a positive; and every peanut butter, a jelly. As much as it pains me to do it I always make an effort to look at the other side of the house before acting or speaking up. I can feel with the strongest conviction a belief but still see and value the other side of things... which isn't always a "good" thing. The problem with this is that it's possible to have conviction in the wrong thing, know it's wrong, and maintain that conviction. Playing the devil's advocate is just the starting block, it's what you do after you challenge yourself or others that matters. Do you analyze both sides and then do nothing? Do you tell your friend to see the other side and then never revisit the issue? If that's the case then you're arguing from argument's sake and not really being productive with your ability to play the devil's advocate. The right thing to do is to propose that opposite point of view and then re-analyze the position.

I'm very lucky to be able to do this for myself, but someone who does this better than I is my mother. She's always able to be the plus to my minus, the light to my dark, and so on. She's got this crazy ability to tell someone they're wrong, explain the whole situation from all sides, and then (in a way) change that person's point of view. I guess I've picked some of this up from her over the years and I'm thankful to have been exposed to and to (in my own way) share her gift. So if you want to know more, well don't ask me, tell it to my momma (but don't call her "momma," she hates that). 

How To: Find Your Song

If you know me at all you know that music drives almost everything I do. You might also know that I really don't have a favorite band or song. I love music so much that for me to choose would be like asking the octomom to pick her favorite out of her litter... okay... it may not be that extreme but it is difficult.

So how do you find your song?

Let the music speak to you. Listen to the flow, the rhythm, the... everything. You have to feel the music and find a song that screams out to you. It will fill an insatiable thirst and yet you'll never be able to hear enough of it, that is, until you find the next song. So today's entry is about finding the music... and today's song is "Lights (Bassnectar Remix)" by Ellie Goulding. It's such a great song with a great beat and feel. Right now it's my pump me up song for running. It makes me want to take longer strides and push harder. That is why I love music so much, it makes me feel.

How To: Reach Out and Stretch

We've all done it. We've all had a big yawn and bigger stretch, an outward push of the arms, an arch of the back, it all feels so good. We break the comfort of our bed and comforter, couch and favorite blanket... all to stretch beyond what we know as a comfortable place. It feels so natural, so unmistakably good that we don't question it -- but we really should. 

What is it about breaking the comfort of now that makes stretching feel so good?

Because it allows us to become greater than the moment that we're in. That's why it feels so fulfilling. So here's the fast and nasty lesson of the day: stretching out of our comfort zone, no matter how comfortable it may feel at the moment, always makes us feel a little bit better and seem a little bit brighter. It's that reach out of the comforter that allows you to plant that first foot on the floor and it's the first conversation with that intimidating mentor that leads to a successful career. The stretch in the moment is the leap that projects us forward. 

How To: Let It Go

As a kid growing up I remember my dad telling me so many times to "...just let it go." I also remember thinking how strenuously difficult and seemingly impossible it was to do so. Now, years... eons later (...maybe note eons, but you get the point) I realize that it's really the only thing you can do in a bad situation. You can't control others, and try as you might, the world will never stay in the harness you put it in. The only thing you can do to change things is to change your perception... to make it not matter by letting it go. Now... here's where that user-beware portion comes in. The dirty little secret is that you never actually let it go completely. What ever the situation is I let it go to the furthest stretch possible but always hold onto a tiny, insignificant, minuscule piece. I take that piece and internalize it, analyze it, and store it to memory. I don't dwell on it but rather learn from the experience, store it in my "kit bag," and drive on.

But how do you let it go?


Simple. Get over it mentally. Perception is reality... so change your perception. Having realized this I've been able to overcome some of the worst times in my life. And now, on the precipice of happiness, I see that it's a key that opens and closes doors.

Today's how-to is more of a mental sticky note for myself. It's my way of saying "hey douche canoe, don't forget this in the future when you're down and sucking wind." I'm sure as I continue this blogjogjourney I'll reflect back on older posts. This one is one for the books. I'll file this one under "in case of hot-mess emergency."

How To: Live with Yourself

There's a phrase that I love to use when talking about being who you are. It goes as follows: "You come into this world alone and you will go out alone. You and you alone will lay to rest in your press-board coffin. You take nothing with you but yourself, so why would you live for others when you're destined to die for yourself?" That's a Mathew-ism, one of my pillars of personal faith. It's not to say that you shouldn't do for others, to give of yourself, but I mean to emphasize the eternal solitude that we're destined to experience. Our birth, life, and death belong to us. Ourselves. Living for your children, your spouse, your job, your bank account, your hobby; no matter what it is, if you're living for anything other than yourself you're setting yourself up for failure. It is a wonderful gift to give of yourself. To give to your spouse, children, religion, work... it's to give a piece of you, a sliver of your life. It's the best gift one can give and is the one most easily forgotten. To give is to live and to live is to give, but at the end of the day you have to be true to who you are. That's what it means to live with yourself. It's not always the easiest task but for the sake of your own spirit you must. 


But what does that mean for me?


It means I need to be me... all the time... and let the world flow around me. While this sounds simple it's actually incredibly complicated and twisted. But for today I will make the effort. I will be me. I won't push or shove myself into the limelight, I won't throw my beliefs or life upon others. However, I will bond with what makes me who I am and I will pledge to value and cherish every moment of myself. I encourage you, the reader, to do the same. I hope you, the world, the ephemeral audience, will accept me, but if not.... if at the end of the day you turn upon me with all wrath and fury the universe can muster... well then you'll be surprised. I will not falter. I shall not fail. It is my duty to be, even if only the dimmest star, a star amidst an ocean of darkness.

How To: Introduce Yourself

My name is Mathew, with one "t" (hence the unitaryt web url), I'm 22 years young, an American male, and hail from the "Heart of it All!" (Ohio).  Currently living in Daegu (or Taegu depending on who you ask), South Korea.,  in the military, and fortunate to be so happy with my life. Being in the military takes me far from home and even further from my partner in crime, but I'm proud to serve and lucky to experience a foreign culture for a year of my life. To best introduce myself I could use three monosyllabic words:

I. Am. Weird. 

Introductions are always tricky. They say that you can never get another first impression (which is true because a "do-over" would technically be a second impression), which is why the first introduction is always the most important. A firm handshake, a well kept presentation, an appropriate smile, and docile demeanor are all fundamentals of a good introduction and first impression. These things will spark a positive image of you in your audience's mind. With a good introduction you're set for success. 

But then what? Where do we go from there? Step one is easy. Steps two through two million are where it really gets tricky. 

Luckily the answer is here. Whoever came up with that turn of phrase is wrong. I submit to you that it's the last impression that counts. It's the journey to the inevitable "see you later" that really matters.The key to success isn't in the first few seconds; it's after the everlasting eternity that falls between the start and finish.The measure is the moment when you're gone someone says (or doesn't say) "Wow, we wouldn't be the same without him." Our last impression is our most important. Our last impression is our legacy. So, from here forth I vow to make decent introductions  and impeccable "outroductions."

How To: Establish Ground Rules

If you don't keep reading this blog a thousand baby seals will die.

With that awkwardness out of the way... Welcome! If you've continued on this far you're on your way from preventing a bag cuddly little seals from dying. But enough about the sea life, this blog is about more than that. It's a how-to guide to my life. A hefty disclaimer, this is my how to... not yours, yours, or even yours. So, if you read it here it's truth -- it's me -- it's my how to to everything. Take what you want from it, take what you will from me, but know that this is "user beware" material (or materiel as they say in jolly good England) and not always intended for everyday use.

So here's a few of my ground rules -- introductions -- or just plain preliminary proceedings prior to the primary proclamations of my first pretentious prose:

1- Thou shalt be yourself.
2- Thou shalt not take the lord Gaga's name in vein.
3- Thou shalt respect those institutions to which you do (or have) belong(ed).
4- Thou shalt not curse unless in direct quotation.
5- Thou shalt write to better thou self.
6- Thou shalt keep in line with a "how-to" theme of writing (with exception to this post)
7- Thou shalt speak the truth.
8- Thou shalt better thou self and thou world.
9- Thou shalt never type thou here again.
10- Th- you shalt ____________ (leave room for improvement).

There they are; the tenements which guide this very blog. I sincerely hope you enjoy what is to come, I do too, as it is my guide and my life, and if you've made it this far the seals are safe for another day.